Footprints

old grievances, corrections for others

When I encounter an old grievance (that I haven’t looked at since the shift), it still appears as a grievance. This makes sense. My illusory brain can’t switch all those pathways at once. The difference is that I don’t hear the narrative of the old grievance for long before I want to forgive, and there is no resistance to applying a forgiveness exercise to it. It is unwillingness that has been abolished, not grievances.

Leading up to this point, I have been increasingly swearing at J, complaining loudly about everything I know he’s right about. I stand by that. It was my way of exposing my unwillingness. Now when I start to complain, it ceases quickly, because there’s really nothing about which to complain, and it’s just a habit really. But I think it was a good way to go.

It is unwillingness that must be examined. Of course, the attempt to forgive is what exposes unwillingness, so it’s not like you need a different practise, but I encourage you to rejoice whenever you discover unwillingness in yourself. Do not be disheartened. The discovery of unwillingness is the path to its undoing.

Back to my old grievance. I want to share it because, until now I haven’t been able to talk about it, both because of PTSD and because it’s like a dirty secret I didn’t want people to know and especially because it tended to lead to questions that would trigger PTSD.

Side note: in telling vulnerable truths (Radical Honesty), we get braver (it’s like using a muscle) and are able to be more and more vulnerable (what ACIM might call defenseless). It seems I am now infinitely brave. There is nothing I would not say if I thought it helpful to say.

My grievance is/was that I still have a criminal record. I have felt it as ‘a slight against my character’. I used to think that ‘setting the record straight’ was an important goal that I would pursue when I was ready. That my standing with the law mattered. I took the records of the state personally. I thought they were about me.

So I say

I need do nothing about my criminal record.

And

I wish prefect happiness for everyone in the court room.

The second one brings joy and unity. The first one seems to hit against something. I think it must be connected to many things I haven’t examined yet. If I keep saying that, they may reveal themselves. I feel unconscious unwillingness being exposed. It’s like an objection, like

  • if you relinquish this, you lose everything you suffered for.

Hahahaha OK in that case I definitely need do nothing about my criminal record.

Okay I’m now cheering up about it. Though I think there’s still more profit to be found here.

  • You’ll be letting them win.

  • You’ll be letting them be right.

Gosh, I really had a lot of respect for the law didn’t I. Maybe it’s an autistic thing. Taking the law very seriously.

Ah I see what this is about. I think that the law is a good thing, made to protect the vulnerable from the powerful, as it should be. I think the law and its application is what it should be. So when there’s a miscarriage of ‘justice’, I want to help them correct it. That’s definitely an autistic thing. Identifying and every system error, and naively believing that the maintainers of that system want to correct their errors, and therefore want their errors pointed out.

I realise now I may have been quite wrong about what the law and the judiciary were made for. They may have been made to protect the powerful from the vulnerable.

I notice I’m feeling uncomfortable about this topic, which means there’s something I haven’t unpacked.

So, it’s back to that old chestnut of hanging onto the errors of others for later correction, because that’s what I’d want others to do for me. I always want to know when others see me as making a mistake (because I want correction). So I think that others do too.

I don’t mind “letting them win/letting them be right” if that’s what they really want. But I’m still not sure it is. The legal system is, complicated. I will probably have to try for correction on that level, in order to find out whether that’s what they want. I have, for them, the most wonderful gift. But it must be packaged the right way, and I am not ready for that.

In the meantime, I know what to do with that gift (give it to the Holy Spirit).

J, you know that box of paperwork pertaining to the court case and my incarceration?

I’ll take care of it.

Thank you, so much.

I think I may now go and have a little cry.

Thank you all, for helping me work through this.

~~~

I’m having a giggle now. Taking on “the Crown” (that’s how the power of the state is called here in the UK, because monarchy) is nothing. If I (by following J of course) am to correct the Crown, it will be just as easy as clipping my toenails. There is no order of difficulty in miracles.

There is more inner termoil surfacing though. Wow. I guess that’s trauma being resolved. So many connections. A part of my mind that had been walled off. Amazingly, no PTSD episode has occurred in any of this unpacking.

I wish perfect happiness for Freyr.

I need do nothing about the Crown.

hahahahahahahahaha oh no the laughter has started.


So, it’s back to that old chestnut of hanging onto the errors of others for later correction, because that’s what I’d want others to do for me. I always want to know when others see me as making a mistake (because I want correction). So I think that others do too.

I don’t mind “letting them win/letting them be right” if that’s what they really want. But I’m still not sure it is. The legal system is, complicated. I will probably have to try for correction on that level, in order to find out whether that’s what they want. I have, for them, the most wonderful gift. But it must be packaged the right way, and I am not ready for that.

I understand now, what my grievance is (yes, my trouble has always been finding out what my grievance is. Once I know what it is, forgiveness is easy).

It’s one of the subtler types of grievances. I lack faith in my brother to fulfill his part perfectly.

T-17.VII.6:2-3 If you lack faith in anyone to fulfill, and perfectly, his part in any situation dedicated in advance to truth, your dedication is divided. And so you have been faithless to your brother, and used your faithlessness against him.

I have a lack of faith in the UK’s criminal justice system, to perfectly fulfill it’s part in the Atonement. I think that I have to do something. My wonderful gift is really an attack if I think that they need my gift in order to heal themselves.

I need do nothing about the criminal justice system in the UK.

Seeking correction on the level of the world is the old way. J’s way is better. J, I will do it your way from now on. Your way brings me peace quickly. Your way saves me time.

  • But what if it’s the wrong way? what if the world is actually real after all? And then all I’m doing here is failing to improve the world.

Really? we’re still going with that? How does holding onto faithlessness help anyone? If there truly are practical things to be done, they will be done. J’s way always works. Faithlessness just creates a conflict in oneself that prevents any useful action. One gets caught in the land of dilemma which goes nowhere.

I need do nothing about the world.
I need do nothing for the world.

Oh, there’s another one I should do:

Jesus, you’re in charge of the relationship between me and the Criminal Justice System. The relationship between me and the Criminal Justice System now serves the goal of Truth.

I bet you’re glad you said yes to me working through my special relationships with you. That was sarcasm. A reflexive defense. Looks like I’m still full of shit after all. How wonderful (not sarcasm. discovering oneself to be wrong about something is always good news. It means whatever you’ve been experiencing is explained, and things can get better with just a change of heart.)


Jesus, you’re in charge of the relationship between me and the Criminal Justice System. The relationship between me and the Criminal Justice System now serves the goal of Truth.

I’ve gone back to

I wish perfect happiness for Freyr.

And I now realise that whole grievance is self-hate. I have been taking responsibility for the correction of someone else’s mistake. Perfect happiness for me, means I get to not do that. I get to lay aside the work of helping others to correct their mistakes.

It just, keeps coming back to self forgiveness for me. Who will I be without -

I wish perfect happiness for Freyr.
I wish perfect happiness for Freyr.
I wish perfect happiness for Freyr.