Log: The purpose of this website

The idea to make a "Freyr LePage" website in which I advertise myself as a spiritual teacher, came to me while I was searching my mind for things I was most afraid to do. I was like "wow, yeah I really don't want that kind of exposure", while also knowing that I had to do it.

It's still pretty uncomfortable.

Recently my mum criticised me and my website. And I responded by trying to 'improve' the website. I took down a lot of the more personal posts, and especially ones that supported mum's specific criticism of me: "arrogant". And then I started working on a series of posts that would give context, and make everything make more sense to me.

But I've now realised I've got my priorities all wrong. It was never meant to be for others. The only real purpose of this website is to make my ego uncomfortable. So long as I'm doing that, all other concerns are secondary.

All the posts I want to write are 'clever'. They show off my intellect in a display of 'rightness'. I thought I had abandoned this way of thinking when I left university (I realised I was going to university in order to show everyone how clever I am and that this was an unworthy goal), but it's still here. It's not that there's anything really wrong with being clever. And all the awesome things I could write about are still great, and I am indeed very clever. The dismay I have right now is at how I ceize upon every opportunity to prove my cleverness. The opportunities are plentiful, because I am indeed very clever, so I end up putting huge amounts of work into writing clever, right articles.

Cleverness and rightness don't matter. Only Truth matters. And now you see, I'm doing it again. This post is becoming clever. I'm being so, accurate. I can't forgive (my own) clumsiness.

People sometimes tell me that I'm a good writer, that I express myself well. That there is my unforgiveness of inaccuracy. I cannot abide mistakes, they must be corrected (this is not a healthy way to be).

I express myself 'clearly' at the expense of authenticity. My words have always been somewhat disconnected from how I truly feel. If I try to express myself truly, I just scream, or cry, or make some other incoherent noise and wave my arms around. I never really evolved beyond the level of a baby having a tantrum.

For the vast majority of my childhood, it wasn't safe for me to have tantrums, so I didn't. So that's where I'm really at.

I assume that this blog will evolve and mature as I do. But first it probably needs to look more like a tantrum.

I have a huge amount of knowledge that I can't share because all I want to do is cry and shout and scream. When I try to write a correct post, I'm derailed by my immaturity.

Freyr LePage

autistic, nonbinary, white, middle class

United Kingdom