Forgive My Blog

Log: Integrity Lapse

I went to my friend’s 80th Birthday party and there were many people there who knew my previous self.

I wavered from truth-telling. I didn’t reveal my grumpiness. I didn’t growl. I didn’t want to make a scene. I didn’t want to make my friend’s birthday party about me. But that’s no excuse.

Now I’m home and returning to myself, I feel sorrow at having wasted a day by not being alive/being myself. I was afraid of how people would judge me if they saw me being grumpy and autistic.

And I told some of them about my website, and so then I noticed that my website wouldn’t make sense to them, and started changing it to conform to their expectations. Now I am glad to feel sick at this notion.

Now I’m growling and fuming again and therefore increasingly okay.

Dance Camp Wales is in a few weeks and will have many of the same kinds of people. I hope I will have the courage to be true there.

I’m going to get better at writing according to my own integrity and not for an audience, even when I imagine people with whom I have special relationships commenting on the way I write, the lack of context and so on.

How this relates to integrity: when you alter your content in order to appeal to someone else’s sensibilities, in order to be liked, or in order to look good, or in order to get published, or in order to make more money, or be better findable by search engines, you lose something.

Since I’m not writing this blog in order to make money, I don’t have that pressure, but I am afraid of people I meet and give a card to finding my website and realising I’m a self-absorbed something something who doesn’t really think about other people much, and on that basis deciding not to interact with me.