Log date 2020-05-15
I’m writing this while in my wrong mind. I have been ‘sick’ in this way for a few days.
I resort to blogging when I have no-one else to talk to and I need to talk it out.
I haven’t decided on a title yet.
I assume I am ‘sick’ (in my wrong mind) as a last-ditch defence against the final snuffing out of doubt. Such huge shifts have happened, in such a short amount of time. Or maybe I just needed to rest.
It has apparently taken my entire life to realise how unusual I am. Most people don’t want truth. I was born wanting truth. It is kinder (to others, but also to me) to leave people who don’t want truth, alone.
Another way to say it, is that I don’t want to interfere with anyone, but since most people’s lives revolve around the manipulation of others, they are easy to manipulate even when getting them to change wasn’t my intention. Everyone takes me far too seriously. Everyone reads me as sincere. But I generally have few sincere words to say. It’s all been said already. So I’m 90% humour (type 2 content) or more than that. So, yeah, no one appreciates my sick sense of humour, and instead takes all my jokes seriously and then has a lot of attack thoughts and blames me for how they feel and it stops being fun.
So I’ve been realising that very few of my previous friends are actually people I can talk to without them seeming to take everything seriously. It’s possible that they are already enlightened and also joking and it’s just me taking their jokes seriously. I can never know.
Either they need space from me, or I need space from them, but it’s space/time either way. So here I am, alone.
The doubt goes: “am I just reacting to fools on Reddit and then generalising that lesson to everyone?”
It isn’t just that situation though. So many, when challenged, show me their belief in suffering.
I have been sharing myself inappropriately with people who don’t get it (and therefore misunderstand everything I say), for years. I forget that they don’t have context. I forget that they haven’t been on this journey with me. I forget that most of them haven’t even started that journey and have no interest in doing so. I find this hard to believe, but I see it now. And seeing it, I close my mouth. Except with those friends who have kept pace with me. Among good (trusted) friends there’s nothing that can’t be joked about.
I have not forgiven humanity.