Forgive My Blog

Lessons, just curious

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With the Holy Spirit I’ve been enthusiastically not doing the lessons for over a year now. I’m very specifically not doing lesson 45, as that’s where I got to (second time through mind you - this ain’t my first rodeo) when it became apparent I was not ready. Since then I’ve watched my intitively measured (though I tend to just ask J where I’m at) willingness/readiness level go from 15% incrementally (no more than 4% shift at a time) up to now 71%. My mind has changed more and I’ve forgiven far more while not doing the lesson than had occurred in the previous years of study. Yet of course the lesson shows me that I’m not ready.

I think, however, I would not have been ready to be so gentle with myself if it hadn’t been for the previous years of study and practise. When I came to do the workbook for the second time, I thought to myself that I would not be so heavy handed this time, and instead, for each lesson, not move on to the next one until I felt really ready (and of course I would ask J whether it was time to move to the next lesson).

Presumably, there will come a time when it is actually time for me to complete lesson 45 and discover the green pastures of lesson 46. I look forward to that. But for now it is time to just follow the J train, wherever it may take me. It’s sort of like I have my own very individualised training that I need to do outside of the Course proper.

Recently the subject of study (without even looking at it in the Course - I mean the thoughts about it just arrive in my mind) is specialness. Having really seen it for what it is, I realise I don’t want it anymore. I don’t want any of it.

So my job now is to breathe. Everything else is his job.

This is the appropriate division of labour/responsibility between me and J.

And then I watch myself trying to do everything again. Trying to take responsibility. I’m an interferer.

All of this is to say: you’re absolutely right, Marcy. The lessons present us with a challenge. But it does not matter whether we actually do them. The lessons are themselves a lesson. By being aware of them with the Holy Spirit, we discover ourselves. The aim of the game is to discover our unwillingness, and look upon it kindly.