killing special love
I intend to tag threads started by me with #freyramble which is a portmanteau of “Freyr” and “ramble”. This way people who don’t want to see them can mute that tag. It’s a magic solution which makes me more comfortable making this much noise in a group of ~4000 members.
Yesterday’s lesson was “I will receive whatever I request” and I was like “well, ain’t that the truth”. So I considered what to request. My first thought was a girlfriend but then I was like nononono I have to be very careful what I wish for because it always comes true, and wishing for yet another special relationship is not really helpful. It’s much better to put J in charge of the specifics. So I wished for something general.
I want peace. I want the peace of God. I want freedom for everyone.
That’ll do it.
And OMG what a day. I got invited to a wedding. I finished a blog post, and relinquished another special relationship. Actually it’s a very holy relationship, but it contained a tiny sliver of compromise that I didn’t want to look at. I looked at it and killed the specialness, knowing that it might end the friendship too. But it didn’t.
I’ve been doing a lot of that lately (killing special love), but this was one I secretly hoped I could keep, safe from forgiveness. Relinquishment of love relationships seems much more challenging than hate relationships, but in the end I realise it’s all the same. There truly is no order of difficulty in miracles.
I’ve been wanting to ramble about this topic for a while. The (decision making) mind cannot serve two masters. You cannot choose the holy spirit and also keep choosing the ego. We all try it at first. We try to ‘add’ the holy spirit like another weapon in our arsenal of defense. But the only way to choose the holy spirit is to choose against the ego. The ego hides it’s true nature (hate) in special love. Which means in order to choose the holy spirit we must be willing to give up special love.
But meanwhile, in all our social and romantic relationships we are busy about the business of maintaining specialness. Even the concept of ‘friendship’ when unexamined is tainted with specialness. As A Field Guide to Earthlings puts it, friendship is a strategic alliance.
In my crusade against specialness, I search my mind for the words I don’t want to say to people. The words that if spoken, I believe ‘would destroy the relationship’. And then I say them. I never know what will happen. I don’t need to know, because I know I don’t want specialness.
Forgiveness is no longer wanting specialness.