Log: I don't feel safe, I feel awful

Since a few weeks ago I find I don't feel safe. And when I watch my breath, the feeling I connect with I would describe as awful.

I don't feel safe.

I feel awful.

I find both these phrases physically difficult[1] to utter out loud to another person while feeling them. I think they must be taboo.

As soon as I tell who I'm with[2] that I feel awful, feeling awful isn't a problem for me [3]. It's just a feeling, no different than any other.

Similarly when I admit that I don't feel safe, I feel safer. I think feeling like it isn't safe to openly not feel safe, contributes to not feeling safe.

I don't know for sure what's really behind this feeling. It started 3 weeks ago after a PTSD episode, so maybe it's trauma related. But I've never felt like this before after even the worst flashbacks. After about a week I accepted that maybe this is just how things are for me now - that it will never feel safe and will always feel awful. I can live with that.

I don't feel safe enough to go outside my flat alone, and am reluctant even with support. I'm supposed to meet someone at the train station on Saturday... er... tomorrow. I look forward to finding out how I handle that.[4]

It could also be from when I foolishly ventured into /r/spirituality and had that late night internet conversation with that guy who is "only good at high frequency work". Did I take something of his on? Yes. hmmm okay. How do I remove it? Breathe, move/walk. Righto. Also tea. okay, okay, I'm on it. Moving.

  1. my speech slows down and I have to concentrate on each word ↩︎

  2. This only holds true if the person doesn't react. Most people can't stand by and do nothing when someone feels awful or doesn't feel safe. Perhaps because they wouldn't be able to cope with such feelings in themselves. So they completely lose their metaphorical shit. Their 'peace' seems to be disrupted by knowing how I feel.
    People react to others' pain the same way as they react to resentment directed at them - by trying to change how the other person feels. ↩︎

  3. when I'm in my right mind/looking at it with Jesus ↩︎

  4. this is a statement of faith - I have no idea what I'm going to do ↩︎

Freyr LePage

autistic, nonbinary, white, middle class

United Kingdom