Forgive My Blog

Log: I don't feel safe, I feel awful

Since a few weeks ago I find I don’t feel safe. And when I watch my breath, the feeling I connect with I would describe as awful.

I don’t feel safe.

I feel awful.

I find both these phrases physically difficult1 to utter out loud to another person while feeling them. I think they must be taboo.

As soon as I tell who I’m with2 that I feel awful, feeling awful isn’t a problem for me 2. It’s just a feeling, no different than any other.

Similarly when I admit that I don’t feel safe, I feel safer. I think feeling like it isn’t safe to openly not feel safe, contributes to not feeling safe.

I don’t know for sure what’s really behind this feeling. It started 3 weeks ago after a PTSD episode, so maybe it’s trauma related. But I’ve never felt like this before after even the worst flashbacks. After about a week I accepted that maybe this is just how things are for me now - that it will never feel safe and will always feel awful. I can live with that.

I don’t feel safe enough to go outside my flat alone, and am reluctant even with support. I’m supposed to meet someone at the train station on Saturday… er… tomorrow. I look forward to finding out how I handle that.3

It could also be from when I foolishly ventured into /r/spirituality and had that late night internet conversation with that guy who is “only good at high frequency work”. Did I take something of his on? Yes. hmmm okay. How do I remove it? Breathe, move/walk. Righto. Also tea. okay, okay, I’m on it. Moving.

People react to others’ pain the same way as they react to resentment directed at them - by trying to change how the other person feels.

  1. my speech slows down and I have to concentrate on each word 

  2. when I’m in my right mind/looking at it with Jesus  2

  3. this is a statement of faith - I have no idea what I’m going to do