Forgive My Blog

How can the Course break through to my real Self?

flash_ahaaa asks:

I have a rather philosophical question regarding our Course, namely how it manages to convince the Holy Son of God to wake up, if all it has at hand is our dream state?

So if i understand the Course correctly, me, the human being that is writing this, does not exist. Neither do you, the reader. I will call me, the writer, “i”, with a lower case I. Please have a close eye on it in the rest of the post, the distinction is very important.

The Course tells me further that there is an “I”, capital I, the Holy Son of God, who is making up this writer guy, and is quite apart from the imagined human being. I dream of separation, being afraid of our holy union, because I think I have killed God and took his throne, being utterly afraid of the punishment that I project onto God.

Now I have such a natural drive to come back to God and accept the union, that I made up this book called a Course in Miracles, that only exists in my dream state. I now fantasize that my dream character uses his brain, that doesn’t even exist in truth, to learn something that will lead me out of fear and ultimately make me wake up.

OK so now, i, the dream i, am learning that i don’t exist, accept my nothingness, forgive everyone and everything, because all i see and sense is not real anyway, and my real I is untouchable. And in truth even this does not happen, but it’s I that makes these realizations and dreams of forgiveness.

So let’s put this together and approach my question from the beginning. For this let’s look at the healing prayer from lesson 136:

Sickness is a defense against the truth.

I will accept the truth of what I am,

and let my mind be wholly healed today.

How does this make sense?! How can i accept the truth of what I am? i, as the human being, obviously cannot accept the truth about me, as i don’t exist and there is no truth of what i am. i CANNOT make the divine mind wake up. i don’t exist! So what is the gain if i pray at all? And yet - the dream i is all I have access to at the moment.

How does the Course break through and really induce a shift in the divine mind? Would you say that my divine mind is sort of praying to itself, by dreaming of this prayer?

It’s so mind-boggling, i can’t really make sense out of it yet. Maybe I should give up the idea that there is an i completely and start to think from there… but I cannot think at all as I pretend that I’m asleep. And i don’t exist…

It seems completely impossible to escape. And where is the Holy Spirit in this whole picture to save Me?

What do you guys think?


Freyr says:

What do you guys think?

I think you are very confused about levels. There’s a little table I’ve been building that might help (or it might help me to test it on a guinea pig. You’re gonna be the pig).

Two types of content - a table to resolve level confusion.

All of the different mental objects you’ve mentioned, can you categorise them as type 1 or type 2? Things may be clearer then.


flash_ahaaa replies:

Hello,

I don’t think the level confusion is much of my problem, or at least not directly. Everything connected to the capital I is type 1 related, while everything connected to the lower case i is type 2.
The question was more: if everything you have direct access to is type 2, how can you find type 1.


Freyr replies:

Everything connected to the capital I is type 1 related, while everything connected to the lower case i is type 2.

Okay, so

me, the human being that is writing this, does not exist.

Is not helpful. If you think of yourself as a human being, and the human being is real to you, then why would you say it does not exist? Even the phrase “the human being” accords the experience (i.e. type 2) of humanness reality (type 1) which it does not have.

The problem here, is the reconciliation of experience with reality. You must recognise that your experience is not real, without denying that it is your experience! If it’s not real, then there’s no need to escape from it. If it is psychologically real to you, then you’re not solving anything by denying it.

Neither do you, the reader.

See, that’s not helpful. To say that the world of bodies does not exist is one thing, but as soon as you say “you” you have made the Son of God (type 1) into a body (type 2).

you are type 1.

I will call me, the writer, “i”, with a lower case I.

Here it is again. What is “the writer”? the hands type letters on a keyboard. if there is an i, then it can only be the immortal son of god (type 1). If there is anything mortal about “i” then it is not you and thus the idea of it having an independent identity is meaningless. Unless you are speaking of an experience of identity, not identity itself. Perhaps you are an actor, pretending to have a different identity, one that changes.

who is making up this writer guy

that seems not quite right. again, you give “the writer” independent identity. The Son of God (type 1) seems to dream (type 2) he is a writer guy. But he cannot make something that is not actually still just Him. No matter what disguises he puts on, he’s still the Son of God. Ideas leave not their Source. The writer guy is just an idea in the mind of the Son of God. There is no separate “i”. The writer guy has no independence.

OK so now, i, the dream i, am learning that i don’t exist, accept my nothingness

That is not right. There is no indpendent i (there is no “dream i”). The figure of the dream has no uh, consciousness. You have confused the dreamer with the dreamed. The dream figure does not learn because the dream figure is just that, a dream. The Son of God dreams he is learning.

If the Son of God dreams he does not exist, that would not be a happy dream! very confusing indeed!

The Son of God exists. The Course does not teach that you don’t exist. That would be an impossible lesson to learn because it is a lie. It teaches only that you are mistaken about Who You Are. You thought yourself independent, separate, but are not.

and my real I is untouchable.

Again, “my real I” who is the “my” in this phrase? Why are there two of you? Why does one own the other?

There’s only one of you.

I think that the “my” is the real you. And the “real I” you are thinking of that you imagine as a separate entity you are looking for is an idol. You don’t need to search for the “real I” because it’s right there! it’s where the “my” comes from. You don’t need another I. You’ve got one already!

it’s the “my” that is untouchable.

You are the Truth.


flash_ahaaa replies:

Yes, yes! I start to understand.

Not so much the first part of your answer, but more and more in the later part.

The Course explicitly teaches that “There is no world!” so pondering the thought that the writer doesn’t exist seems legit. I don’t deny that I do have the experience of this said writer, but I question his ultimate reality.

if there is an i, then it can only be the immortal son of god (type 1).

Ooooohhh… aaaaaaaahhhhhh…. YES! And the writer has no own separate I-ness, it’s illusionary and not the Son of God. But me, I, the source of the dream have reality. So there are no 2 i/I-s, there is only one I that thought in its confusion about a separate i. And I think of this world and consider it real, at least for now.

So there is only I and the experience I perceive stems from Me. So I’m experiencing my own dream and I think that I am writing this reply to you with my own dream hands.

“OK so now, i, the dream i, am learning that i don’t exist, accept my nothingness”

That is not right. There is no indpendent i (there is no “dream i”). The figure of the dream has no uh, consciousness. You have confused the dreamer with the dreamed. The dream figure does not learn because the dream figure is just that, a dream. The Son of God dreams he is learning.

It starts to make more and more sense. So the real I that I’m looking for is infinitely close to me. It IS me. I’ve introduced an artificial split that does not exist.

I think I need to let this all sink in to fully understand and integrate. I still experience myself as the dream, so I can’t fully have understood it, but at least I’m getting closer.


Freyr replies:

the thought that the writer doesn’t exist seems legit.

The problem here is that your concept of “the writer” is made up of an experiencer and a body made of arms and hands and a brain. But you call these two very different things one thing “the writer”. And then you ask whether it is real.

The body is an experience. It does not possess the quality of consciousness. It does not do anything. It has no power.

I think you might be struggling to distinguish between the mind and the body. You (the mind) are so invested in the antics of the body, that you think it’s you. You’re like an actor who has committed to his role so totally that he’s forgotten he’s an actor and thinks himself the role he’s playing. And then, the character he thinks he is, hears the name of the actor and is like “who is that?” but the character doesn’t have independent consciousness. The character is still just something that the actor’s mind is doing.

Bodies are like inanimate objects. They do not feel pain or pleasure. They do not suffer. They do not have experiences of any kind.

Ooooohhh… aaaaaaaahhhhhh…. YES! And the writer has no own separate I-ness

ah you’ve got it.

So there is only I and the experience I perceive stems from Me. So I’m experiencing my own dream and I think that I am writing this reply to you with my own dream hands.

Yup.

So the real I that I’m looking for is infinitely close to me.

YES

It IS me. I’ve introduced an artificial split that does not exist.

You got it.

I still experience myself as the dream, so I can’t fully have understood it, but at least I’m getting closer.

Yes, this is the ego’s story. The ego says that you are the dream.

The Holy Spirit says that there is no world. The ego says that there is no mind.

This is why I say that you are the Truth. You can challenge and overcome the ego’s narrative by affirming mind reality.

Say to yourself “I am Truth” as sincerely as you can, over and over again, and watch the thoughts that arise in response to it. Then you’ll really get it.

Reminds me of something from one of Gary’s books:

I am immortal spirit.
This body is just an image.
It has nothing to do with what I am.

This is a self forgiveness thought process.

I theorise that like me, your forgiveness of others is far in advance of your self-forgiveness.

You think you don’t matter. You think yourself unimportant, unloved, unreal. It is not so.

Edit: I just realised I misunderstood this:

I still experience myself as the dream

You mean you experience yourself as a body? That’s quite normal. If I’ve understood correctly then you are trying to get away from the experience of being a body! You’d be better off trying to get into the experience of being a body.

There is nothing wrong with the dream or the body you identify with. As you change your mind about it, you’ll grow to love it.

The dream is not evil. The body is not bad. There is no urgency to end either of them. They are both extremely helpful.

Edit: I had a little nap this afternoon and a little dream in which I learned something that feels related. It’s about form vs content.

There is no form in Heaven and there is no content in the world.


flash_ahaaa replies:

I just again re-read this… I’d love to keep in contact with you to deeply realize the truths in our conversation.

It’s just so odd for me as I have experienced myself as light, and I mean that literally, it felt like I was sucked into a void, becoming light and merging with all life that is. When an idea of guilt and fear crept in, I fell back into my seeming human state.

And now I am still so utterly confused because I believe that ultimately I am this light and yet - because of an idea of guilt - I am so afraid of my light identity, that I chose bondage again and my whole reality is inhabitating a very sick body. And while I may follow your theoretical explanation, my current seeming reality is this body dream. And I try to use this body dream to let go of the guilt idea.

I think you are very confused about levels.

Ok you are right, I am VERY confused about levels. I’m starting to read ACIM specifically about level confusion.


Freyr replies:

I’d love to keep in contact with you to deeply realize the truths in our conversation.

I don’t believe you would for long. I tend to take people to the limits of their willingness quite quickly.

I am so afraid of my light identity, that I chose bondage again

Yes. There’s a door in my mind that leads to God. It’s not time to open it yet. First there must be no trace of fear anywhere in my mind. And that is achieved only by undoing my belief in guilt, which occurs in gentle increments.

I discovered a new special hate relationship last night. I’ve been forgiving “the British”. I say to myself “I wish perfect happiness for the British”. It’s funny because I am also technically British (so I’m also forgiving my own Britishness). But then I realised a part of that is the abled against whom I discovered previously unnoticed resentment. “I wish perfect happiness for the abled” (said with perfect sincerely) was more challenging. I love forgiveness. It’s just brilliant. It is the opposite of the ego’s ‘fairness’. I would unbind all who ever seemed to do me wrong. Without exception. And in so doing, set myself free.

I’m starting to read ACIM specifically about level confusion.

Eh, ACIM is, not the most explainy book. This page explains the levels and this chart is a summary I refer to often.

Edit: now I’m re-reading too :) and I realise that my recent shift in attitude may have started in this conversation with you. In order to answer your question, I had to address some of my own doubts. To weather your confusion, I must have none of my own. You have been very helpful. Thank you.


Next conversation with flash_ahaaa.