hard specialness vs soft specialness

From no grievances I would keep:

So the change is not that I’ve undone all grievances. What has been totally undone is unwillingness to relinquish those grievances.

I can now draw a parellel between specialness and unwillingness. Specialness is anything we exclude from healing. “I exclude nothing from healing” = “nothing is special to me”.

I want to call those special relationships I was unwilling to allow Him to use for healing, hard special.

I had a list of them.

Now there are what I want to call soft special relationships. When you relinquish hard specialness, there are no more problems. Just opportunities. Some relationships seem to offer more ‘profitable’ opportunities than others. Usually the ones that were the hardest special relationships. The relationship with “Freyr”, formerly a hard special relationship, is now a soft special relationship. There’s just so much to be gained by fully forgiving Freyr (eliminating even the tiniest trace, the merest inclination to even think that guilt might be an option) that I’d be a fool not to exploit that resource maximally.

Previously I had to forgive things in an order determined by “which is easiest” in order to increase my willingness so that I’d be able to forgive more.

Now that I’m completely willing, the order of forgiveness is determined by “which is hardest”. Because the “hardest” is like the biggest tree, which therefore contains the most fruit.