Forgive My Blog

giving up special love

Andrea wrote:

What does it mean, personally, for you to give up special love?

Well, nothing anymore. It’s giving up nothing. So it doesn’t mean anything. giving up the valueless. You recognise it has no value, and then you don’t want it anymore.

Depending on what stage you’re at, it can be experienced very differently. As the Manual puts it (M-4.I.A Development of Trust):

First, they must go through what might be called “a period of undoing.” This need not be painful, but it usually is so experienced. It seems as if things are being taken away, and it is rarely understood initially that their lack of value is merely being recognized. How can lack of value be perceived unless the perceiver is in a position where he must see things in a different light? He is not yet at a point at which he can make the shift entirely internally. And so the plan will sometimes call for changes in what seem to be external circumstances. These changes are always helpful. When the teacher of God has learned that much, he goes on to the second stage.

Next, the teacher of God must go through “a period of sorting out.” This is always somewhat difficult because, having learned that the changes in his life are always helpful, he must now decide all things on the basis of whether they increase the helpfulness or hamper it. He will find that many, if not most of the things he valued before will merely hinder his ability to transfer what he has learned to new situations as they arise. Because he has valued what is really valueless, he will not generalize the lesson for fear of loss and sacrifice. It takes great learning to understand that all things, events, encounters and circumstances are helpful. It is only to the extent to which they are helpful that any degree of reality should be accorded them in this world of illusion. The word “value” can apply to nothing else.

The third stage through which the teacher of God must go can be called “a period of relinquishment.” If this is interpreted as giving up the desirable, it will engender enormous conflict. Few teachers of God escape this distress entirely. There is, however, no point in sorting out the valuable from the valueless unless the next obvious step is taken. Therefore, the period of overlap is apt to be one in which the teacher of God feels called upon to sacrifice his own best interests on behalf of truth. He has not realized as yet how wholly impossible such a demand would be. He can learn this only as he actually does give up the valueless. Through this, he learns that where he anticipated grief, he finds a happy light-heartedness instead; where he thought something was asked of him, he finds a gift bestowed on him.

So, that 3rd stage is what I’ve been in for the last, uh, year I guess? “enormous conflict” is right. See also: Ten Bulls (a depiction of the stages of zen) 4. Catching the Bull.

I’m not having that experience anymore (having apparently run out of special love to give up). If you want to read about some of my past experiences, you can read my blog (just search for “Freyr LePage”, you’ll find it). It’s a garbage fire I haven’t thought about what to do with yet, but you might get something useful from it. Bear in mind that’s my experience, based on my particular set of magic thoughts and forgiveness lessons (many coloured by autism-related-life-experiences).

How does that affect your relationships?

They become holy relationships. All my relationships (including the one I have with you) are now holy relationships. But what that looks like on a practical level varies depending on their choices. At various stages of my journey, I have ‘lost’ many friends. Sometimes all at once, as I go through a shift and realise I nolonger want to participate in a particular special love bargain (I recognised its lack of value).

But some have stuck with me. They ate what I was dishing out and asked for more. One in a particular, a fellow Course student, wrote this in her diary one day (and showed it to me)

Conversations with Freyr are amazing this year. The bar/anti has been raised. They spew pearls upon my path like a pony farts and poohs.

We train together almost every day now. We use everything for teaching/learning purposes. We love to look at the hate.

But very few people (we know of) are ready/willing to play at that level. It’s just too scary to shine that much light on the ego. Which brings us neatly to…

It truly is something that I’ve not yet been able to understand. And of course it’s terrifying.

“And of course it’s terrifying” - is probably why you’ve not yet been able to understand.

Really, I think the best thing one can do early on, is stick to DU’s approach. Forgive, forgive, forgive (as in, keep doing the forgiveness excercises even if they don’t seem to be doing anything). It gradually erodes away the cause of fear.

Early on, that’s what I did. I would just say “you’re not really there, if I think you’re guilty or the cause of the problem…. (I’m sure I don’t need to finish writing this whole thing out)” over and over for hours at a time.

Right now my favourite is

I need do nothing.

Most of all that is about the past. Now, with new perspective, I think about “how I want to spend my time”, and then I realise I don’t even need to think about that. J will take care of it. He always does. I need do nothing.