End of unwillingness
There have been several shifts, culminating in an end of unwillingness.
The Freyr Underground
Losing interest in fame and losing interest in reaching out, has removed most of the previous purpose for this blog. Reflecting this, I changed a bunch of things.
Rather than writing blog posts I’ve been posting a lot in The Disappearance of the Universe email group. This makes much more sense since I’m not trying to ‘make a name for myself’ - I just want to work through my forgiveness lessons with people who get it (i.e. people who have read The Disappearance of the Universe). I know of no other online community that would be as passionate and single-minded about ACIM-style forgiveness as I am.
My home as a sanctuary for appropriate deference
At Autscape (back in August) I got intimately involved with someone and a few weeks later she came to visit me. Afterwards I realised it had in many ways not been good for me, and so I looked for the crack in my armour, the vulnerability through which she got to me, so that I could seal it.
The answer that came was for me to be much more strict about who I invite into my home, so that while in my home I never have to pretend to be other than I am. This means that rather than waiting for people to visit me before showing my true colours, I now have to be myself with them out there in the world. If I lack the courage to fully unmask with them in their space, or in neutral space, then I shouldn’t invite them into mine. And it also means raising the bar/being more honest with those who come into my home to support me.
This has forced me to re-examine all my relationships. I’ve uninvited a bunch of people to whom I’d extended invitations. I’ve demanded more of some, and they’ve stepped up. Others I’ve simply stopped hiding my real purpose from.
I stopped listening to my mother in the wrong minded way that I used to. And realised that when I’m seeking a supportive ear, it needs to be supportive in the right direction. And that direction is the radical thought-system of A Course in Miracles. The slightest grievance, even ‘on my behalf’ is not supportive.
So I’ve been engineering my space to support me in my mission to see Innocence in everyone and everything.
My bedroom has been transformed. A giant square yoga mat occupies almost the entire floor, and any item that doesn’t need to be in specifically that room, is swiftly removed.
Emails to mum and dad
I started being very ‘myself’ at my parents in a sequence of emails to both of them (this in itself is a bold act, as they haven’t been on speaking terms for years). By occupying a child role, I force them to actually be parents. I just kept on being a child at them. I was very honest about everything. I held nothing back.
Then dad wrote the most beautiful, exasperated email, in which he showed his true colours. It’s the second time I’ve managed to cut through his facade (by being honest myself), and what’s revealed is exactly the same: that he’d rather do literally anything else than listen to me.
Such a call for love is easy to hear.
In a ‘holy instant’ I was determined to forgive, and found myself saying in my mind with perfect sincerity “I wish perfect happiness for dad”. It felt like turning a key in a very large and heavy lock, or pushing open a huge stone door. I could feel what was being moved.
Wishing perfect happiness for dad means unbinding him. If he has perfect happiness, he doesn’t need me anymore. Which means I can’t manipulate or control him to get him to meet my needs. He is free of me.
Since then I’ve been unable to find any unforgiveness of him in my mind.
The last quarter
So then I was like “if I can forgive my dad, I can forgive anyone.” So I try it with my most special relationships. Whenever I say this phrase “I wish perfect happiness for x” I feel the reluctance. I don’t truly want them to be free of me.
Little by little, those chains are loosened.
Two weeks ago, 75% willing…
I started applying “I wish perfect happiness for x” to myself. I was fascinated by the objections that arose when I said:
I wish perfect happiness for Freyr.
- The ego presents me with a carousel of all the things the body known as Freyr has said and done that seemed to be the cause of others’ suffering.
- Do I have the right to set myself free?
- Who would I be without any self-hatred?
- It’s all very well setting others free, but master, this is taking the whole forgiveness thing too far!
- It’s easy to forgive others, as you only see the mistakes they seemed to make that seemed to affect you. But my mistakes seem much more real and numerous. I remember them all.
- To forgive oneself is the greatest crime one can commit (according to the ego). It is the final and absolute withdrawal from belief in guilt. To wish for one’s own happiness is to say the ego isn’t real.
- I will lose my entire identity.
- It’s dangerous.
- It will probably change all my current motivations. I won’t have to “be a good person” anymore. I won’t try to help people; I’ll have nothing to ‘atone’ for.
- How can I be useful in the world without guilt?
- If I don’t have guilt, I shall become some kind of psychopathic murderer.
- wishing perfect (complete, permanent) happiness for yourself is the definition of evil.
I am the home of evil, darkness and sin. If anyone could see the truth about me he would be repelled, recoiling from me as if from a poisonous snake. If what is true about me were revealed to me, I would be struck with horror so intense that I would rush to death by my own hand, living on after seeing this being impossible.1
I wish perfect happiness for Freyr
And with that, Freyr was forgiven; “I wish perfect happiness for Freyr” elicits no further objections.
Freyr being forgiven, I turned my attention to the elephant in the mind, my former friend and teacher - one of the ‘biggest’ forgiveness lessons of my life thus far. It had been years and I still hadn’t completely forgiven. I applied the same process and after only one objection, they were forgiven too.
I was like,
Jeez that was fast. Was that all it took? What the hell?!
Who am I? Am I just someone who forgives now?
It seems too late to turn back now, might as well rip the bandaid off. Or to use another metaphor: this animal I’ve run over isn’t going to make it, might as well kill it and eat it.
I applied the same exercise to a few people in the DU group, including Gary (the author of The Disappearance of the Universe).
After forgiving Gary, I was like,
Is nothing sacred? If Gary isn’t special then who on this earth is?
That night, while drifting off to sleep (you know, in that sort of twilight zone between sleep and wakefulness, where your defenses are down and you’re more receptive to new ideas):
I wish perfect happiness for everyone in the universe.
I woke up properly and checked my list of known grievances. All forgiven.
I checked willingness.
100% willing. There are no grievances I would keep.
Things I can’t find any of, a list:
- things to fear
- things to get excited about
ACIM W-pI.93.1 but paraphrased ↩