Forgive My Blog

Checking in

Adapted from an email reply to my advocate, which I felt summed things up rather nicely.


Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Yes, “starting again” feels appropriate. There have been so many developments. And still more to come. I do not know how to talk to you yet.

I’ll just go look at the other thread that I have been not replying to, to see how up-to-date you are.

Oh, I didn’t tell you anything, except that I was reading that CPTSD book. And that was in May!

Insert expletives here.

Fuck.

I think it all started with my new definition of respect:

The ultimate respect I can show anyone is to have such unshakable faith in them that I spare them no consideration.

Which can be applied to people in 2 ways: either I trust them to be okay with me, and fully unmask; or I trust them to be okay without me, and abandon them. Almost everyone would rather be left alone than meet my unfiltered, mercilessly savage self.

So the circle of people I talk to has shrunk down to about 4. Like many others, you have been left on the outside, with no explanation.

Some people need truth, and some people need space.1 Most people need space, not truth. And even giving someone a choice, is giving them truth, not space. So there are many people I do not tell.

I’m telling you, which means I’ve decided that you need (some) truth now. I think in the peak of the pandemic, you needed space but perhaps that has changed now and that is why you now email me.

Mary has retired and wants to be my friend, so I’ll give her truth until she’s had enough.

Our relationship is complicated by formal responsibility. It is difficult for you to withdraw after promising to help. But I want to give you an out.

Thanks to the CPTSD book, I have started thinking of myself as “mentally ill”. And this shift in self image has effectively disrupted all perfectionism. And it was perfectionism that was holding back a bunch of stuff. Consequently I’m now an uncontained mess with no boundaries who leaks all over everyone.

Not the person you agreed to work with.

I don’t trust you. I don’t trust you to be okay with me. Which is to say, I lack faith in you. Which by my own standards means that I don’t respect you.

Okay, cool. Now you’re in the loop, or closer to it at least.

So, I don’t want to meet you, because I don’t trust you.

And I’ve also been not emailing you for the same reason. I guess, I wasn’t ready to lose my advocate. Now apparently I am. I’d rather lose my advocate than wear a mask (metaphorical - damn, in Covid times we have to specify which mask we are talking about). For me, there is no going back. Onward. Always onward into truth.

  1. interesting side note: in the thought system of A Course in Miracles, Truth and space are mutually exclusive. If there is Truth then there is no space, and if there is space then there must be no Truth