Appropriate Deference or Special Relationship

I've noticed that all[1] my relationships (whether with individuals or groups) fall neatly into only one of two categories:

  1. Nonspecial relationships, of which there are:
    • Time/attention wasters[2]
      1. whose respect and obedience I don't have; or
      2. who are worshipful/in awe of me
    • People with appropriate deference (very unusual)[3]
  2. Special relationships

For which there are correspondingly only 2 options for me:

  1. Withdraw (explaining what is happening if appropriate)[4]
  2. Forgive/complete

This is fantastic because if there are no other options, there is nowhere for my masking[5] or specialness to hide. If I am unwilling to say "I am entitled to your respect and obedience"[6] or to withdraw, then I know it must be a special relationship: there is work for me to do; truth to tell; grievances to forgive. On the other hand if I can't find any work to do; the relationship seems complete; nothing to say; I could leave now in peace, then I know what must be done: either insist on appropriate deference or simply withdraw.

So now I will be paying far less attention to those who would waste it, and devoting that attention to:

  • completion and forgiveness of my special relationships - generally family, old friends and people I have to interact with in my daily life because of bodily needs.
  • leisure activities alone[7]
  • fellow travellers who respect and obey (but do not worship) me.

The same applies to inanimate objects in a way. All my possessions I either:

  1. like and want[8]; or
  2. haven't forgiven.

  1. at least, of the 20+ I've considered so far ↩︎

  2. If you want to avoid wasting my time/attention (and yours): do the reading (which at the very least should include The Disappearance of the Universe and Radical Honesty) before talking to me. ↩︎

  3. anyone with greater insight than me, with whom I don't have a special relationship, would be in this category ↩︎

  4. except in the edge case where they do have appropriate deference ↩︎

  5. the error that leads to me to disguise light in me ↩︎

  6. or in the less common case of error 2: expose all my flaws to them so that they can see I'm as human as them - or some other approach I haven't figured out yet ↩︎

  7. this is really fucking important and something I keep neglecting because so much socially meaningful stuff keeps happening ↩︎

  8. Marie Kondo would say only keep things that 'spark joy' ↩︎

Freyr LePage

autistic, nonbinary, white, middle class

United Kingdom