It is a struggle to find the words to express this.
When I posted on the Aspergirls subreddit it turned into an argument and got removed by a moderator.
Wrong audience perhaps?
But when I post on ACIM subreddit there's a lot of similar reaction.
Maybe it's reddit. Reddit is for arguing.
But then there's what happened with my Minecraft server. When I did things my way, almost everyone got very angry and left.
I also feel unwelcome by Quakers.
I know there's nothing wrong inherently wrong with me and there are people who appreciate me the way I am.
But on the whole, I perceive a pattern of unwelcomeness that is almost universal.
I am allowed to exist, I'm welcome enough on earth. But I do not feel welcome in general society, not as myself, not the way I challenge people.
Maybe it's always been this way and I've just shrugged it off before. But now, I don't want to be where I'm not wholely welcome. I don't want to invite people into my space who aren't wholely willing to choose the right mind.
So I have withdrawn. I stop commenting in online spaces so much.
I have little interest in attending social groups. My perception is that I'm not truly welcome there. Nobody wants their perception challenged, and I don't want to take part in any group that serves the ego. I would much rather be at home alone.
Is that the 'ailment' I'm suffering from? An unwillingness to reach out?
In the past I've spent a lot of time and energy in other people's spaces on their terms looking for people who might want to join me on my terms. And I just thought of another example in which I shared something with a Quaker magazine for them to publish, and it went wrong of course.
This searching for people speaks of a sense of lack. There's certainly been striving.
Now I feel awful, and maybe my perception is distorted now - maybe I'm more welcome than I perceive myself to be - but at least I don't have that feeling of searching for others.
My worry is that if I don't go looking for people in their space (if I am not proactive about making new contacts), nobody will ever know I exist, and I will be increasingly socially isolated until I die.
I already feel this sense of isolation, so in some way I feel like I can't afford to chill out and wait for people to somehow magically come to me.
I give people I meet my card, which has my website info on, but I never know if they read my posts, and nobody so far has commented on any of my posts without prompting.
Yet there's another way I can look at it: everything is actually perfect. I get to practice writing just for myself without worrying too much about what others think. I've noticed (when I say "hey what do you think of this post?") when I do get a lot of comments I find the attitude of writing for others creeps in.
And the solitude is, in a way, very welcome. It's the only way I get to practice without constant disruption.
My people pleasing habits are not dead yet, so the only way I get to take a break from them is by not engaging with others who I'd make an effort to please, for long enough for me to get out of the habit.
I am scared of being alone.
How silly. How silly is the idea that I could be truly alone.
While reading this article:
...one of the wonderful and terrible things about this New Age camp was that no one ever seemed to know what they were doing. All the adult counselors were well-meaning but slightly loopy or unhinged.
I imagined myself approaching the leaders of that sort of organisation and offering them my skills. But I can imagine how that would turn out: they likely wouldn't recognise my wisdom, since it is different than theirs. The only way they would recognise me, is if they were already willing to think along the same lines as me, in which case they would be like me and wouldn't need me to teach them anything. Perhaps that's not quite true. There are people who are 'behind' me who are not too far behind that they cannot recognise me. And they receive my help with gratitude, and I give them as much as they can receive without fear or guilt.
Maybe I just don't want to teach the unwilling anymore, and the metric for whether they are willing or not, is whether they make contact with me and come into my space.
There is probably a way for me to venture out of my own domain and gain from it, but I don't see it currently.
Gonna check my notes to see what I've not said.
Maybe this is just a big grievance. I haven't forgiven the world for remaining unloving when to me there is a clear alternative that can be easily chosen.
I want my friends and everyone I meet to seek the true heart with me. I want everyone to know Zen. I want people to want to tell the truth and let their egos slowly wash away.
I want the friends and aquaintances who are my age to want the same things as I want, but they do not.
What 30 year old values rigorous mental discipline? Certainly none of my autistic friends.
My peers in terms of values, are all 20 years older than me and non-autistic.
Oh right, notes. I'll just paste them here:
In my right mind I'm almost universally unwelcome
- Feeling crushed (not in a grievance way)
- Post on /r/aspergirls
- Post about telegram group on /r/ACIM
- Average willingness is low. As is autism friendliness.
- So I withdraw from any platforms I don't control.
- To individuals I share only a little of myself.
- I don't change my behavior in order to be welcome.
- is my discovery and use of RSS (making web content come to me) related?
The feeling in my chest is like my self-esteem or confidence has been crushed, but by self esteem is unaffected, and I don't feel any less confident of myself, yet my confidence in others liking me and what I say is totally shattered. But maybe that's actually now an accurate picture of the world. Maybe people actually generally just don't like me. Maybe that's the reality, and I've just been blind to it. It's not like I apply that to everyone. I haven't started thinking that everyone, dislikes me. There are people who I know like me, but I feel like the average person either will dislike (or even hate) me immediately, or would if they really got to know me.
It's not a persecution complex if I really am unwelcome.
Yet, the feeling crushed/invaded, suggests to me that I'm not seeing things quite clearly.
More examples of unwelcomeness:
- my closest friend for 6 years changed their mind and wanted me to change into quite a different person.
This has been a ramble.