Forgive My Blog

all my lessons remembered

all my lessons remembered - this group

“All my lessons remembered” is a play on “all my sins remembered”. But there is no sin.

Freyr LePage (me) wrote:

Unless someone objects, I may go through all my (known) forgiveness lessons in this way, with you.

I have a list of uncompleted forgiveness lessons, but I’ll start with this group.

I wish perfect happiness for every member of The Disappearance of the Universe email group.

  • Are you kidding?! that’s 4,846 people. You can’t just forgive wholesale. That’s far too risky. You might accidentally include someone bad.

hahahahahahahaha omg that’s too funny.

I wish perfect happiness for every member of The Disappearance of the Universe email group.

  • I don’t want to. And also, why are you making me do this in public. They are gonna hear, you know.
  • There are some members specifically who aren’t worthy of forgiveness. I’m not going to name names.

What do you mean not worthy?!

  • I mean their behaviour isn’t perfect. They don’t meet my specialness needs.
  • Some of them don’t follow the official instructions correctly, like they haven’t even read them.
  • Some people just don’t pay attention.
  • Some of them treat me like I don’t pay attention. Like I don’t understand the Course. Like I don’t know how to forgive. Like I’m one of those people. Those people who are new to the Course and don’t know how to forgive.
  • Some of them are new to the Course and don’t know how to forgive. I can’t let that slide. People who don’t do spirituality my way should go to hell.
  • I find some of them annoying. Their tone of voice. I know I can’t hear them. But in my imagination, they remind me of other people I rightly haven’t forgiven.

Pausing to live my life a bit. As before I’ll leave this email as a draft and add more objections as they arise. I’ve made a note to remind me to get back to this. It’s funny:

“email to DU group, forgiving DU group”

  • I still need them. It’s dangerous to forgive those you need. You never know what will happen when the chains come off. When you truly put J in charge of the relationship, you don’t know what he’s going to do with it. I don’t trust him. He’s a wanker sometimes.

That’s not strictly true. Blaming J is like blaming the mechanic for telling you your car needs a new engine after you crashed it into another car.

I wish perfect happiness for every member of The Disappearance of the Universe email group.

It may take me a long time to forgive you completely; as DU ACIM students, I hold you to very high standards.

I’m realising now, there are some things I may have to do (because of the specific set of magic thoughts I have) before I can forgive this group. I need to say a lot of things.

Ohhh, in most cases I have to confess everything in order to forgive. I didn’t need to do that in forgiving myself because I don’t have any secrets from me. And I didn’t need to do that with my former friend C, because they’ve made it very clear they don’t want to hear what i have to say. But this group is a relationship in which there is a LOT left unsaid.

So that’s what i’ll be doing. This is going to be fun.

This is a special relationship I am not ready to leave. I have many more gifts to offer you.

But why? why do I have to keep you chained up in unforgiveness until I’ve offered you all my gifts? I smell a rat.

I wish perfect happiness for every member of The Disappearance of the Universe email group.

  • That means letting them go, which means they might not get to hear all my wisdom, which means they won’t know how clever I am and they won’t love me. They won’t give me all the things my parents didn’t give me. They won’t give me all the things the world doesn’t give me.

I wish perfect happiness for every member of The Disappearance of the Universe email group.

  • If I let them go, they may go astray, and then blame me. This happens a lot actually. People have high expectations of me. They expect me to fix their lives against their will, robbing them of autonomy so that they aren’t responsible. If i allow myself to do nothing, the DU group will blame me for their unforgiveness and its seeming effects, because I could have done something. I could have shown them fast and easy ways. I neglected/abandoned them, they will say.

  • I’ll get home and mission control will say “Oh, it’s you. You were sent to pretend to be a human for a while so you can show everyone how easy forgiveness is. But you totally blew it. You let everyone down. You forgave a little too quickly without bothering to explain it.”

Oh shit I have to forgive mission control first. I have to forgive my assignment.

I have this big magic thought. I think it’s probably bodhicitta - the wish to attain enlightenment for the sake of all sentient beings. I’ve had this thought since I was 19. It’s been fairly character defining.

It makes “other people” real and separate.

I wish perfect happiness for every member of The Disappearance of the Universe email group.

  • They don’t know how to use speech for healing, how to relate socially in a way that facilitates forgiveness. I can’t just leave them to their own devices. Or worse, leave them in the hands of That Guy. The J who cannot be trusted to leave all my specialness intact. What even is the point if it’s not about ME.

I am an interferer. I think I know better than J.

I wish perfect happiness for every member of The Disappearance of the Universe email group.

Is part of my motivation for doing this, to show off how forgiving I am, so they’ll like me?

Yes.

~~~~

I’m generalising too quickly. It’s like trying to forgive the whole world before practising on an individual.

I wish perfect happiness for Marcy

I’ve forgiven Marcy.

I wish perfect happiness for Gabrielius.

I have forgiven Gabrielius.

I wish perfect happiness for Gary.

  • Woah there. What are you doing.

OK I’ll add Gary to my list (forgiveness lesson tracker in my journal). Maybe I’ll do a whole email just for Gary, and any other special cases.

As Ken would say, I think this is a good place to pause. I can come back to this lesson when I’ve knocked down all the individuals I can think of. Yes, I’m thinking of you as skittles in a bowling alley.

I also think of forgiveness lessons as keys on a piano. And phrases like “I wish perfect happiness for ____” as fingers with which to play said piano. Each lesson (person) makes a different note when struck. Forgiven notes make no sound at all.


Lynn Replies:

I have not laughed out loud like that in forever. Thank you so much!


all my lessons remembered - Gary

I wish perfect happiness for Gary.

  • But then maybe he won’t give us any more books. He might go and die on us, the bastard.
  • In signing my first edition of DU, he wrote my name, but I’ve since changed my name.

Side note: one of my teachers told me that that book would be one of my favourite forgiveness lessons.

  • He doesn’t know yet that we have the same birthday. He hasn’t acknowledge my specialness.

By the way, if anyone (or everyone) wants to do such an exercise with me as the subject, I fully welcome it. I love hearing the grievances others hold against me (of course in the context of the firm knowledge that grievances are never justified and the holder is wholly responsible). They are the most precious gift.

I have forgiven Gary.*

  • Is nothing sacred? If Gary isn’t special then who on this earth is?

*I think it happened earlier while I wasn’t paying attention. Often the way.

Oh, let’s do Cindy next!


all my lessons remembered - Cindy

I wish perfect happiness for Cindy.

I have forgiven Cindy.

Huh.


all my lessons remembered - everyone in the universe

While drifting off to sleep:

I wish perfect happiness for everyone in the universe.

I haven’t forgiven the universe.

I have forgiven all of its inhabitants though.

I guess that escalated/generalised quickly.

And now I’ve forgiven the universe.

Looking through my list, I seem to have forgiven everyone. Including everyone in this group.

There’s still guilt in my unconscious mind, but I can conceive of nothing I would not forgive. So the only purpose of the world for me now is forgiveness. I can just watch as the Holy Spirit’s script takes care of everything. (it’s the Holy Spirit’s script because the script has been given to the Holy Spirit to use for His purposes)

Whoever I look at I immediately forgive. Objects too.

I guess that marks the end of the period of relinquishment (M-4.I.A.3), since there’s nothing else to relinquish.

Next stage (a period of settling down) says “This is a quiet time, in which the teacher of God rests a while in reasonable peace.” I had been looking forward to it, but now I don’t care. All conditions are the same.

I, don’t have any grievances left. Can that be? I don’t find any.

There are no small upsets, they are all equally disturbing to my peace of mind.

Nothing. No reaction at all.


Freyr LePage wrote:

Looking through my list, I seem to have forgiven everyone.

What amazes me is I still had some ‘big’ forgiveness lessons outstanding.

I was imprisoned (unjustly) for over a year. I still have some C-PTSD symptoms 10 years later.

In wishing perfect happiness for everyone in the universe, I forgave that too, like it was nothing. Because it was nothing. There truly is no order of difficulty in miracles.

For the first time now, I’ve been joining with the minds of those involved in that situation, and find no obstacle to doing so. How wonderful to be able to dance with them in unity, assuring them perfect happiness.

T-26.IX.6 The holiest of all the spots on earth is where an ancient hatred has become a present love. And They come quickly to the living temple, where a home for Them has been set up. There is no place in Heaven holier. And They have come to dwell within the temple offered Them, to be Their resting place as well as yours. What hatred has released to love becomes the brightest light in Heaven’s radiance. And all the lights in Heaven brighter grow, in gratitude for what has been restored.

Now I want to read the whole Course again.